A Longexpected parody
by Enelya
Summary: A pointless, inexplicable parody consisting of drag queen rangers, drinking, karioke and fizzy lifesavers... *chapter 7 now up*
1. It Begins

Disclaimer: Tolkien the All-Mighty, who is God, owns all  
  
Do I really have to write this every time? Does anyone really care if I own whatever things I mention in my stories? (Abbah I copied from Abba, but I'm sure you know that.)  
  
Plot: nonexistent, really. If you really want to know, read the Lord of the Rings trilogy, but this is my version of the story. WARNING: DO NOT READ IF THIS YOU HAVEN'T READ THE ACTUAL BOOK. As well as not understanding a lot of the stuff I write, it'll ruin your reading of the real thing. All characters mentioned belong to other people and will be sent back via airmail, except for Legolas because he's MINE PRECIOUS! Actually no, I prefer to be obsessive from afar so I won't hurt him and he will be sent back with the others. With a tracking device planted on him somewhere. *Grins evilly*.  
  
Once, in the third age of a place called middle-earth, an old man called Gandalf, who was a wizard, was imprisoned in the Orthanc Retirement Home that was run by another wizard called Saruman. That's the true story, but as it was passed down through the ages it got changed (to make it more interesting for some reason) so that Saruman used to be a good wizard but then he studied the works of some other evil guy called Sauron for too long and that's how he turned bad. Well, that's one explanation, another is that he went mad cos the only other living thing he met while he was living in Isengard was the occasional horse that had got lost and wandered in from Rohan. Anyway, Gandalf escaped on a giant eagle and it dropped him off near the borders of some land called the Shire, and he decided to go and visit his friend Bilbo who lived there, and who also happened to be a hobbit, which was what midgets were called there.  
  
"Hello Gandalf!" said Frodo when he opened the door. "What're you doing here?"  
  
"I just popped in for a chat with Bilbo."  
  
"That might be a problem," said Frodo uneasily, "I hate to tell you this Gandalf, but he disappeared on the night of his birthday and we haven't seen him since. Do you know where he is?"  
  
"He did mention something about going to a sleepover party with the elves a while ago. If he's there don't worry, they tend to last a century or so."  
  
"Well come in anyway and tell me everything that's happened lately."  
  
So Gandalf came in and told Frodo the latest news: some new band called Abbah touring in Gondor, and Galadriel dying her hair blonde, and what had happened when he'd stopped in at Isengard to say hello to Saruman.  
  
"Oh, and there was something about this dude called Sauron I think, appearing on Mirkwood's Most Wanted, but he's disappeared and I forgot where. But it's not that important." Gandalf noticed something gold in Frodo's ear. "Hey Frodo, what's that?"  
  
"This? I found it on the floor the night Bilbo disappeared, and I thought hey that would be a really good earring, and I'm really popular with the girls now, so its cool." Frodo waved his hand towards the garden, where hundreds of teenaged girls were pushed against the window waving and screaming "We love you Elijah!"  
  
Gandalf raised his eyebrows. "Elijah?"  
  
Frodo shrugged, "They seem to think that's my name, and it's kinda cute, so I don't mind that much." Just then he tripped over something and his earring chose that moment to inconveniently slip off his ear and go flying into the fire.  
  
"NOOO!" Frodo cried, "I really liked that ring!"  
  
Gandalf grabbed the fire tongs and managed to pick up Frodo's earring. As he carried it carefully over to the table, he noticed something unusual. "Hey Frodo, is it just me or were those markings not there before?" Frodo looked at his earring. "I don't think so, but I don't see much of it while I'm wearing it, so they might have been there. It could just be, you know, general scratches."  
  
"No, I can read some of what's written here."  
  
"Really?! What does it say?"  
  
"'Made by Sauron's Jewelry Store, Copyright First Age'. And there's something in elvish too, I think it's their motto. Something about 'one ring to rule them all, one ring to find them, one ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them'." Gandalf shrugged. "Oh well, nothing important."  
  
"So what do you want to do now?" asked Frodo.  
  
"I'm thinking of going to that elvish sleepover in Rivendell. Want to come?"  
  
"Sure!" said Frodo. And so they got their stuff ready and decided to leave at night and go the weird and spooky way just to make it more fun, with a stopover in Bree. But for some reason there was a rumour going around the shire that there were these black rider guys galloping around freaking everyone out and it was generally assumed that they were foreign and had wandered in here because they were drunk and it would be a good idea to stay indoors until they'd either been arrested or ridden off to some other part of the world, and Gandalf didn't really want to meet up with them since he swore he'd heard some whispering coming from Frodo's earring and they could understand it.  
  
They were ready to go when Gandalf heard rustling in the garden outside (still packed full of screaming girls), so he made Frodo get down and poked his staff into the bushes and found.  
  
"Sam!" said Frodo in amazement.  
  
"Dammit Samwise, have you been eavesdropping?" said Gandalf.  
  
"Um yes sir," said Sam, deciding to go for the quick-and-honest route, "I wasn't going to listen, truly I wasn't, but then I heard something about elves and a sleepover and I was wondering if I pretended to be Frodo's servant, could I come too?" He gazed up at Gandalf hopefully.  
  
"Ask Frodo, he's the one you'll be serving."  
  
"Please Frodo can I come?"  
  
"Oh all right, but if I decide to go off on a scary quest thing with no hope of coming back alive, you have to promise to come with me."  
  
"Will you be doing that Mr Frodo?"  
  
"It's just a precaution."  
  
"Ok then."  
  
And so they linked arms and skipped away down the road singing "We're off to see the elves, the wonderful elves of Oz!"  
  
"I think it's supposed to be Rivendell."  
  
"But that doesn't fit."  
  
"Oz it is then!"  
  
"We're off to see the elves, the wonderful elves of OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOZ!" 


	2. Black Riders and Wrong Movies

A/N: a big thanx to the two people who have reviewed sofar! I was on hotmail wondering if my story was actually on fanfiction.net and suddenly there's reviews! So I started doing a little dance in my chair squealing hysterically. And yes I am aware of how boring my life is. And Legolas is MINE! But I might possible settle for sean bigestaff (can't spell the name. He's oliver wood in harry potter. The accent! The accent!) sigh.  
  
Anyway u guys rock and I'm putting up more chapters.  
Chapter two: Black Riders and Wrong Movies  
  
After a while they heard a strange beeping sound coming from Gandalf. "Oh rats, I have to go to my dentist appointment in Minas Tirith now," said Gandalf, "Sorry Frodo, I'll catch up with you later in Rivendell. Remember, look both ways before you cross the road, don't talk to strangers, and if you meet one of those black rider guys don't let them get your earring cos it's like, gold and black and gold clash so badly, you know?"  
  
"Ok Gandalf," said Frodo. And so Gandalf found a spare horse wandering around in the forest and went off to Minas Tirith or wherever, and Sam and Frodo continued on their way still singing and skipping, although it got harder to skip as they went into a field full of corn. But they pressed on, stopping only to bump into Merry and Pippin.  
  
"We're going to an elvish sleepover in Rivendell. You guys wanna come too?"  
  
"That would be a very good idea," said Merry, "Cos the guy who owns this place is sorta after us cos we, um, borrowed some of his crops and he's right behind us so RUN!"  
  
"Alright then!" said Frodo, and they all linked arms again and started skipping very quickly and still singing, but they were getting really puffed so they gave up on that idea and just ran like hell through the field and accidentally fell off a little cliff thing to go rolling down onto the road. And they also found some mushrooms growing there, and since hobbits love mushrooms Merry, Pippin and Sam started picking them, but since Frodo is more 'in tune' with you know, stuff (in the movie at least) he decided to stay in the middle of the road and listen for strange scary things.  
  
"I think we should get off the road."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Don't be so stupid Pippin, he can sense some evil thing coming towards us that probably wants to kill us and steal his earring because it likes gold stuff."  
  
"Is that why Frodo?"  
  
"Maybe that too, but I'm allergic to mushrooms and I'm gonna start sneezing soon and it lasts for about two hours afterwards."  
  
Because they didn't really want to be treated to the sight of Frodo having an allergic reaction, Sam Merry and Pippin decided to go along with it and got off the road. And what do you know, one of the freaky black rider guys decides to come and ride past just after they hide, and do the whole scary sniffing thing, and Frodo was feeling really sick when.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!" a short, green-eyed, black-haired figure with glasses and wearing black robes screamed. "DEMENTORS!" he took out his wand and tried to cast a spell at the black rider.  
  
"Hey wait a minute," said Frodo, "Are you Harry Potter?"  
  
"Uh. yeah?" said the figure.  
  
"Sorry dude, you're in the wrong movie," said Sam.  
  
"Oh ok," said Harry, and then Disapparated. We now return to our advertised program.  
  
"So. um. what are we supposed to do now?" asked Merry.  
  
"I do this weird sniffing thing, and Frodo goes all green and nearly puts his earring on his finger, and then your all run away through the forest and I start chasing you, but you escape on the boat thing," said the black rider.  
  
"Oh yes thanks for reminding us," said Frodo, and proceeded to go green and sick-looking. So they acted out that scene and pulled it off quite well because they were part-time actors, and escaped down the river while the black riders galloped off to do whatever it is black riders do in their spare time, cos their next scene wasn't for a while.  
  
"How far is it to Bree?" asked Frodo once they were on the boat.  
  
"Sorry Frodo we don't have any brie, we've only got cheddar and camembert."  
  
"I mean Bree the town, not brie the cheese."  
  
"Enough time for it to start raining and to get dark so the scene's set."  
  
"Enough time for me to have a nap?"  
  
"Of course."  
  
"I think we should all try to get some rest cos I've read up to the part where Frodo gets sta- I mean, when we stay overnight at this place called Weathertop, and apparently we don't get much sleep in Bree, so we should try to sleep now."  
  
"Ok then. Me, Merry and Pippin will go to sleep and Sam can steer the boat and keep watch."  
  
"Why me?"  
  
"Because you're pretending that you're my servant, remember?"  
  
Sam sighed and took the paddle from Merry. As the others went to sleep he started singing to himself.  
  
"It's a hard old life." 


	3. Slider

Chapter 3: Slider  
  
"Can we go in now? I'm freezing!"  
  
"But it's not time yet! We have to wait for our cue!"  
  
"If we don't get inside soon, you'll all be witnessing the creation of Lake Pippin right in front of the Bree gate."  
  
The four hobbits were in fact standing in front of the Bree gate, debating in whispers whether they should give up waiting for their cue and just go in or not. However, the comment about Lake Pippin had settled it, so they knocked on the door, were let in without much fuss, and found the Prancing Pony (although Frodo had to lie and say that his name was Underhill) and were just settling down for a nice dinner followed by supper when they noticed something strange. There appeared to be a disco ball and various coloured lights in the middle of the room, but what was more disturbing was the fact that there was 70's dance music playing from somewhere, and that someone dressed in a dance suit covered with purple sequins was in fact dancing to the music.  
  
"Hey dude," said Frodo to the bartender as he ordered a double whisky, "Who is that guy?"  
  
"He's one of them rangers," said the bartender, "Weirdoes, the lot of them, wandering around dressed like that, and this one's the only one I've met thank god. Never found out his real name, but around here he's known as Slider."  
  
"Slider? Isn't it supposed to be Strider?"  
  
"Shut up!" the man hissed, "You want a lawsuit filed against you? Listen, he's Slider, and you four are Freddo, Marry, Pepper and Sum. Got that?"  
  
"Yessirverysorrywon'thappenagain," said Frodo, who was getting a bit scared and wondering if this was why Gandalf had gone to his 'dentist appointment', and escaped back to their table.  
  
And of course, the pint scene.  
  
"What's that?" Pippin asked Frodo as he came back to the table.  
  
"This? This is a double whisky."  
  
"Oh." Pippin looked slightly disappointed. "What's that?" he asked brightly as Merry came back to the table.  
  
"This, my friend, is a pint," said Merry, who was beaming because he had his pint and he'd remembered his line.  
  
"It comes in pints?" Pippin looked extremely excited. "I'm getting one!"  
  
"You've already had three!" Sam yelled at his hobbit companion as he disappeared into the crowd and hopefully didn't get squashed.  
  
"Oh give the kid a break Sam. Honestly, the way you fuss over us, you'd think you were all our mothers."  
  
It was only because of Merry and Pippin being there and Sam's self-control that stopped Frodo from getting punched in the face and dragged through every puddle, pond and lake from Bree to Rivendell. He was seriously wondering if any elvish sleepover was worth putting up with Frodo treating him as his servant 24/7.  
  
Several hours later they were all bored, tired and there'd be hangover headaches all round in the morning. They were just beginning to think that maybe going to see the elves wasn't such a good idea, when for reasons best left to himself, Frodo had thought that maybe he should wear his earring as a ring because then he could actually see it. So he put the ring on his finger and hey presto! He vanishes. It was a while before the others noticed, as they were eating mushrooms and had launched into a deep conversation concerning exactly how to cook a nice rabbit stew, but when they did notice they were extremely impressed at how much magic Gandalf had taught Frodo that evening when he wasn't actually there, and then a bit worried because Slider had been watching their table and they had a disturbing feeling that he might be coming on to Frodo.  
  
But Frodo reappeared safe and sound, although he was gibbering about eyes and shadows and things seeing him. The others were about to call the Bree psychiatrist when they realised that it was in fact Slider and decided that leaving him alone with Frodo wasn't a good idea, so they assured Frodo that it was all in his head and managed to calm him down somewhat.  
  
That was until the rollerskating disco competition, which involved Slider doing lots of complicated disco movements in rollerskates and quite impressively, pulling them off with minimal damage to animals or property. But Frodo's weird psychotic mind fits neither of these categories, and he went an interesting shade of off-white, before getting up, pointing his finger at Slider and addressing him thus: "I SEE INTO YOUR MIND! I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE THINKING, FOR I SEE ALL! YOU ARE THE SERVANT OF HIM!" This was followed by a strange gurgling shriek and Merry, Pippin and Sam stared in fascinated mute horror as Frodo began singing Celine Dion horrifically off-key. It got worse, as Slider saw a chance to show off his singing talents and joined him. It was then that they started loudly voicing their wishes to be killed as quickly as possible.  
  
"And iiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiiiii, will always llooooooooooooovveeee yooooooooouuuuu!!!" Frodo and Slider sang/screamed hysterically, before collapsing on the bar top into a fit of giggles. Sam ordered three vodkas and a strawberry whisky, tipped all of it into Pippin's half-finished pint and drank it down in one go. At another part of the bar table, he could see Merry and Pippin doing the same thing. All he wanted was to be unconscious, and as far away from Frodo as possible.  
  
At that time the bartender decided that that was enough excitement for one night and carried them all into a room to solve their differences away from the public eye.  
  
"So my slidey buddy," Frodo slurred and giggled, "Who are you, cos I know, I KNOW you secret an', an' you, you ain't Celide Nion."  
  
"You come 'ere an' say that buddy, cos I am SLIDER!" Slider emphasized his point with jabs at his chest that threatened to make him fall over. "I am SLIDER, ranger, drag queen and disco drunk at y'r service. You gotta a PROBLEM wi' tha' pal?" This last comment was directed at an unfortunate miniature cactus that happened to be at his eye level.  
  
"Nah, we're just three unhappily drunk hobbits an' a delusional karioke freak," Pippin was sitting on the shelf examining the cactus. "hey look at tha', 's spiky! Spikyspikyspiky!"  
  
"Heehehehehehehehehe, pretty spiky!" Merry had gone off into his own little world.  
  
"Tired. Have to go walkies lots. Elvy-sleepy, big party thingy. Rivednell. We all big happy family, go sleepy over. An' then, we go THEN!" Slider was making no sense at all to Sam, who, like the other four hobbits, was rapidly losing consciousness. The last thing any of them heard was a Spice Girls CD being played somewhere below them.  
  
Two in the morning. The bartender and his helper were seated in one of the tables drinking cocktails with paper umbrellas. It had been a rough night. First ranger drag queens, then stoned and delusional hobbits, and then a bunch of black rider dudes had come in at about midnight and were currently having a pillow fight complete with swords in the room directly above. 


	4. At the Weathertop Caravan Park: Part I

Chapter 4: At the Weathertop Caravan Park  
  
(Note: apologies for my short chapters, it's just the way I write so please be patient. Hopefully this one might be a bit longer, but I'm not making any promises.  
  
You've probably noticed that I tend to make my characters sing a lot, if you don't like that don't read this, cos I ain't changing. I might sometime later, this is one of only two fanfics that will be likely to get finished. I've only attempted four counting this one. Anyway, you're probably sick of reading my notes, so on with the story!)  
  
"Oh what a beautiful mooooooooooooorrrrrrrnniiiiinnnng, oh what a beautiful ddaaaaaaaaaaaayy, I've got a beautiful ffeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelliiiiiiiiiiiiiinnng-"  
  
"That you'll never be able to do the splits again once I've finished with you, you stupid girly ranger poof!"  
  
Slider turned around to face the four hobbits, all who were not looking the best mood, but especially Frodo, who had woken up to find someone licking his foot. The fact that the tongue looked suspiciously rangerish had not helped matters in the slightest. The comment about doing the splits had actually come from Merry, who as we all know has a history of doing very brave or very stupid things, or both, but the looks on the other three hobbits' faces showed that they were thinking along the same lines.  
  
"Do you have a problem with my singing?"  
  
"Oh no, why would we have a problem with someone singing the first four lines of a song that we all know far too well and hate with a zealous passion, especially since the someone singing it is one, a drag queen ranger and we don't even know why we agreed to let you come with us, and two can't bloody sing to save their life!" Like Merry, Pippin has a long history of doing and saying very brave or very stupid things, as we all know.  
  
Slider attempted to look shattered and outraged at the same time, but his face muscles didn't manage to pull it off and he ended up looking slightly constipated. "What do you mean I can't sing?"  
  
"We mean that you can't sing! You sound like a cat being strangled, castrated with a blunt knife and being run over by a steamroller simultaneously! Plus you have the worst taste in music out of everybody I've ever met, and yes I'm including Frodo in this."  
  
"Hey!" yelled Frodo, but nobody took much notice except Sam, who calmed him down with some lifesavers to suck on.  
  
"Some people have no appreciation for good music," Slider stuck his nose in the air.  
  
"Good music being a mixture of Celine Dion and seriously ancient musicals? Do you even know the name of the show you got that song off?"  
  
"Of course I do. It's Oklahoma."  
  
The four hobbits gathered into a little group, debating in whispers whether or not they thought 'Oklahoma' was an actual musical.  
  
"Could be elvish, I mean they're big on the music and singing thing."  
  
"Not even elves are that pansy, and I really can't see them letting a drag queen ranger live with them."  
  
"You mean he's not the real Slider?"  
  
"Are you suggesting that there's more than one of them?"  
  
"No, I mean that yes he is the real Slider but we're not supposed to be going with him, like, we've got the total wrong guy and there's some other dude back at the Prancing Pony and he's the one that we're supposed to take."  
  
"So what do we do?"  
  
"Head back to the Prancing Pony and have a look for the other dude?"  
  
"No way, that means they'll make us pay for the drinks and everything."  
  
"You mean we didn't pay?"  
  
"Course not, didn't you guess when we all jumped out the window, grabbed the pony and made a wild run through the streets at about three in the morning?"  
  
"I thought that we were getting away from those weird dudes having a pillow fight next door."  
  
"I'd rather be stuck with them instead of Mr Girly-ranger-poof."  
  
Frodo perked up suddenly. "Hey, I've got it!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"We go to Rivendell for the sleepover, and when we get there we ask the elves if it's the real Slider and if they say no then we know for sure."  
  
"What if they can't tell? I mean, most ranger drag queens look the same."  
  
"That's the point, if the actual dude we're supposed to go with isn't a drag queen then they'll tell us and we can go back and get him."  
  
"If we go back to Bree then we still have to pay."  
  
"We can sell poofy-ranger into prostitution and that'll cover it."  
  
Sam was about to ask why would anybody want to buy a ranger prostitute, when they remembered that Slider was still waiting for them and they were getting hungry. So they smiled and said yes they'd agreed that Oklahoma was in fact a real musical which made Slider very happy, but thankfully he didn't start singing again and was content to reminisce happily about the disco competitions he'd participated in. They supposed that he was remembering the comment about the cat and his singing and was determined to prove that he could live without singing.  
  
So they all had a breakfast that consisted of waffles, maple syrup and baked beans, sprinkled with bits of mushroom, and started walking to a place that Slider said was a caravan park. It was a few hours after their whispered discussion that Sam had a horrible idea: what if there was in fact no real ranger dude and the elves had never heard of him? The looks on Merry and Pippin's faces showed that they were thinking exactly the same thing (Frodo was too busy eating fizzy lifesavers and going on a hyper to think about much else. Except maybe something along the lines of: "Hehehehehehehehehehehehehe! Pretty colours!").  
  
Several hours in which nothing happened after that.  
  
"Here it is! Little hobbit dudes, this is the Weathertop Caravan Park!"  
  
Merry frowned. "Don't see no caravans. Or tents. Or any sign of human habitation less than 1000 years old."  
  
Slider sighed impatiently. "Camping season's over, okay? Everybody'll be back in about three months, and besides, there's stuff that they left behind."  
  
"Such as?"  
  
"Uuuuuuum," Slider looked around frantically. He noticed something pink near his foot. "Look, here's a lifesaver! See, it's not even dirty, they can't have been gone too long."  
  
"Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeey!" Slider was suddenly tackled by a angry blur that appeared to be Frodo. "That's my lifesaver! Give it back!"  
  
"Finders keepers." Slider poked his tongue out.  
  
"Saaaaaaaaaaa-aaaaaaaaaaaammm, he's taken my lifesaver, make him give it back!"  
  
Sam attempted to slip into the role of "ineffective parent". "Slider, put that lifesaver down, it's got germs all over it."  
  
"No. I found it, 's mine. Get your own."  
  
Merry tried his primary school-teacher impression. "Slider, I am going to count to three and if you have not got rid of that lifesaver when I get to three there will be Trouble." Pippin and Sam found themselves standing to attention at the mere sound of the voice. Slider pouted rebelliously but dropped the lifesaver, which was pounced on immediately by two blurs, one of which seemed to be a black rider dude. The others could only guess as to what the other blur was, although as the two started having a tug-of-war with the lifesaver and the strange blur began yelling something about an earring and fizzy lifesavers frequently punctured with cries of "Saaaaaaaaaaaaaa-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamm", they began to suspect that it was in fact Frodo.  
  
The fight ended suddenly with another three black rider dudes appearing from somewhere and dragging their friend away from the lifesaver with some difficulty, while Frodo was held down by the other three hobbits and the lifesaver forcibly removed from between his teeth.  
  
Having separated both Frodo and the black rider dude from the lifesaver (accompanied by angry shrieks of "Mine! Mine!" from both parties), Sam chucked it away down the hill, while Slider looked on sulkily. 


	5. A Pocketknife in the SemiTwilight

Chapter 5: At the Weathertop Caravan Park: Part II  
Also known as: A Pocketknife in the Semi-Twilight  
  
"Sorry about that, dude," one of the black riders said to Sam. "He's not usually like that honestly, it's just that he loves fizzy lifesavers and he's kinda addicted to them, and do you know how hard it is to find a decent milkbar in Mordor?"  
  
"Well not about the milkbar bit," said Sam, "But we've got a drag queen ranger to deal with as well as a psychopathic hobbit that also happens to be addicted to fizzy lifesavers." At the words "drag queen ranger" all four black riders winced, and then seemed to give them sympathetic looks. Fortunately Slider hadn't heard Sam's comment, as he, Frodo and the fourth black rider were halfway down the hill in search of the lifesaver.  
  
A sudden burst of swearing from Merry told them that he'd seen the three lifesaver-addicts. "Oi!" Sam yelled, "What are you three up to?" the three jumped, looked around guiltily and tried to hide between various pieces of vegetation, however it failed as they were trying mostly to hide behind bits of grass, so they settled for looking sheepish and staring at their feet.  
  
"You're looking for the lifesaver aren't you?"  
  
They seemed to be nodding, although it was hard to tell because they were almost at the bottom of the hill.  
  
"Well you're not gonna find it there, I chucked it about 20m over that way." Slider, Frodo and the black rider dude lunged in the direction that Sam had pointed. "Hey, hold it right there!" They stopped, but only just.  
  
"Ok, if you three come up here right now and stop looking for that stupid lifesaver, I'll give you two lifesavers each, and you can pick which flavour."  
  
At the sound of "two lifesavers" all three started running up the hill at full blast, none of them wanting to get the banana-flavoured lifesavers as they were known to cause hallucinations (not that Frodo needed any help in that area). Sam took one look at them and decided that getting tackled by frenzied lifesaver-addicts wasn't really a productive way to spend a Tuesday afternoon, so he threw the packet as far away as he could in the opposite direction. Which happened to be towards Pippin.  
  
A general note of warning: when I read I get mental images in my head, and since I'm guessing that most of the people reading this get mental images too, the pictures flashing before your eyes will tend to get a bit violent from here to about, oh I don't know, the rest of the fanfic. Don't flame! Don't send death threats! I will try to make it as subtle as possible, but if you end up being a psychotic freak like. oh sorry not mentioning any names *coughFrodocough* it's entirely your fault. YOU chose to read this fanfic. YOU "accidentally" saw most of a trailer for the Texas Chainsaw Massacre when you were three and it's turned you into .....THIS! A fanfiction author with a fetish for writing about the gruesome adventures of a drag queen ranger, three unhappily drunk hobbits and a delusional karioke freak. (I'm only referring to the general population of authors. I'm sure that somewhere out there *righteous and patriotic music begins playing* there are a scattering of souls who truly believe in goodness, faith and everybody living happily ever after. To whom I say: GET WITH THE PROGRAM PEOPLE, WE ARE NOT LIVIN' IN THE FRIGGIN' SIXTIES! The Brady Bunch look is dead, guys. Oh and by the way, peace dude.  
  
Back to Pippin, after that strange rant about massacres, and psycho authors, and.... NO! NONONONONONO! Am not going to have another rant. Am also going to stop referring to self in a way that makes me sound like the voiceover in Bridget Jones' Diary. And will especially not waste time and space writing these strange, ranting ..er....rants. There, now that I've got that out of my system I can go back to writing the actual fanfic.  
  
Back to Pippin (again). He saw something flying towards him. And caught it easily, because if you can persuade hobbits to stop thinking about food for more than several milliseconds, they are actually quite good at playing football, basketball, soccer, cricket.........*15 minutes later* lacrosse, lawn bowls, polo, twister.... Whatever. Anyway, the point is that he caught it. After congratulating himself on such a good catch, he looked down to find out what he had actually caught. (Yes, I am aware of how dangerously unsafe that is, since what he had caught could have been a bomb, a fireball, a tarantula.... although he's not much better off with lifesavers around his present company.)  
  
Anyway, to Pippin's analysis of the box. It seemed to be a packet of lollies. He turned it over to read the label. Lifesavers. Fizzy lifesavers. His first thought was: hmmmmm, where have I heard of these in the past few days. Then he looked up. Slider, Frodo and a black rider dude thirsty for blood...flavoured lifesavers is not a pretty sight at the best of times. It's a hell of a lot worse when they're running full pelt towards you, and you've only just realised that you're holding the packet of said lifesavers. And so Pippin did the only thing a hobbit, man, elf, dwarf, ent or any other thing that's not completely senseless could do. He stared in mute horror at them charging towards him, then opened his mouth to speak the words used all over both earths (in various languages, but it's got the same feel). "Oh sh-"  
  
*Picture goes black, save for a small white spot in the centre. Classic cartoon and movie procedure. Hear the sounds of muffled swearing in several forms of elvish, then in arabic, french, english, japanese, and although the screen's completely black it can be sensed that the author is making the hand movements for swearing in sign language. Also, the sounds of various technological appliances being smashed can be heard. Then hysterical sobbing, for I have lost my computer, my own, my precious, and it can never be replaced. Except for the computer upstairs. Which is strictly for work. Thinks: this counts as work! Looks around quickly, then climbs into the air conditioning vent system and begins crawling through the house to the sounds of Mission Impossible*.  
  
And Pippin's comment. What followed those one and a half words is anyone's guess, but I'm prepared to bet that it wasn't "Shoddles! I forgot to pack the jumper that Great Aunt Mabel knitted for me that would be perfect for tramping around middle earth in!"  
  
Anyway, it's likely we'll never know exactly what he said because at that moment he was rugby tackled by all three lifesaver addicts, complete with screams along the lines of "They're mine bitch!" and "Saaaaaaaaa- aaaaaaaaaaaaam!". After what seemed to be a very, very, very long time the clump of fists, feet and lifesaver wrappers was split apart as Pippin ran for all he was worth and collapsed in a gibbering heap under a bush. Merry and Sam were starting to get a bit worried, at this rate Pippin was going to need even more psychiatric care sessions than Frodo. Sam made a mental note to look up every shrink in the telephone book for future reference once they got to Rivendell. If they got to Rivendell.  
  
Fighting two other people while trying to eat fizzy lifesavers and keeping them away from the fizzy lifesavers is quite a tiresome and lengthy business. Normal people would have given up in an hour or so and gone off to the nearest milkbar to buy their own packet of lifesavers. Of course, in most parts of the world drag queen rangers, delusional karioke freaks and black rider dudes don't usually count as normal people. So Frodo, Slider and the black rider didn't give up since none of them wanted to end up with the banana flavoured lifesavers, which they could all be relied on to bypass, and they went on fighting their little fight complete with screams until about six in the evening (A/N: in this fanfic it's summer so it's still relatively light.) In the end, Slider gave up and went off to practice his dance moves, and out of mercy for the others, out of hearing and seeing distance.  
  
Frodo and the black rider were fighting with new energy because they'd worked out that there was only one person to fight now that Slider had given up, when Frodo snatched up the packet of lifesavers and began stuffing them inside his mouth. At this, the black rider screeched in outrage, then unexpectedly pulled out a pocketknife. At this, the other black riders hastily restrained it, while Sam and Merry dragged Frodo away to a relatively safer distance. Then, by a strange coincidence, Frodo's earring (which had been in his pants pocket since the night before) suddenly rolled out onto the grass in plain view.  
  
"Lifesaver!" The black rider broke free of its companions and hurtled towards the earring. At the same time, Frodo broke free from Merry and Sam and hurtled towards the earring. By chance or just the general thing, you know, Frodo reached the earring a split second before the black rider. (Please remember that at this point the black rider still has its pocketknife). The two remaining lifesaver-addicts then went into a fierce tug of war, and things might have gone on like this all night, if not for...  
  
Suddenly, by accident (or not, depending on which version of the story you're reading) the black rider's pocketknife pricked Frodo's finger. Frodo grabbed the earring and ran back to Sam and Merry.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHoowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowow OH DEAR GOD IT HURTS!"  
  
To be continued..... 


	6. The Nameless Chapter

Chapter 6: The Chapter That Shall Be Nameless Until I Think Of A Good Name  
  
Guess who's back, back again, Enelya's back, tell a friend.... apologies for the appalling length of time it took me to post this chapter, but I do have a good excuse. I have been in various parts of Italy, France, Switzerland and Britain, all of which are very good but from this day forth I shall be known as The Jetlagged One. However, travel broadens the mind so they say and I've got new fanfic ideas coming left , right and centre. Watch out for new fanfics coming out in about, say, the next six months once I've caught up on all the homework I've missed in the past four weeks.  
  
A special thanks to M'arevanye (hopefully I've spelt your name right), my one faithful reviewer who has reviewed ALL FIVE CHAPTERS! (Answering your question, I've never seen or eaten fizzy lifesavers, I just thought they would fit in nicely with the plot. Plus they're ring-shaped.) Anyways, this chapter's dedicated entirely to you.  
  
Disclaimer: the joke near the end about Frodo and Arwen belongs to Mad magazine, I just thought that it would fit in nicely here.  
  
A/N: for those of you who aren't Australian, bandaid = plaster, bandage, whatever you want to call it.  
  
"Ooooooooooooooooooooowwww! Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaamm, it hurts!"  
  
"I know it hurts Frodo, but aren't you being a bit overdramatic?"  
  
"Frodo's a drama queen, Frodo's a drama queen!"  
  
"Shut up Pippin, that's not helping. Now could you please go and see how Slider's going with his fire-dancing practice?"  
  
"Can I wear the pink bunny tutu Mummy?"  
  
"I don't care, just go."  
  
Pippin's experience with the lifesaver-addicts had reduced his mental age to a 4-year-old girl's, but Sam still secretly agreed with his comment about Frodo being a drama queen. The pocketknife incident had been an accident, and the other three black riders had apologised most profusely, with claims that "he's never like this at home", and had even offered to give them a free horse ride to Rivendell. Merry and Pippin had been all for it, but Frodo hadn't stopped whining since the pocketknife incident and Sam didn't want to risk another fight between him and the other black rider, who had been sent to the corner in disgrace. So they had politely declined and found a cave lower down the hill to spend the night. Everyone in Team Hobbit that is except Slider, who had stayed behind to practice his fire- dancing.  
  
"Sam, what if my finger doesn't get better, an' it gets infected, an' I get maggots in it, an', an' it goes all green and swollen an' I'll never be able to knit again an' I'll have to get it amputated an'...."  
  
"Now Frodo, don't you think that you're exaggerating a bit?"  
  
"But it hurts."  
  
"I could break your leg to make you forget about your finger." Sam and Frodo turned around to stare at Merry. "What? It's just a suggestion."  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Meanwhile, Pippin had gone to check on Slider, and found him sitting on a rock looking sulky. Pippin's brain also noted that there were no black rider dudes to be seen anywhere.  
  
"Hey Slider, how you going?"  
  
"Lousy."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"I hate those stupid black rider dudes."  
  
"I think Frodo might have confirmed that fact."  
  
"They don't like my fire-dancing. As soon as I started they ran off, and I even included a sword in it to impress them."  
  
"Um....has it ever occurred to you that perhaps they don't like fire?"  
  
"Not you too! I keep telling everyone that setting them on fire was a complete and total accident, but no you don't believe the drag queen ranger. You all hate me!" Slider wailed, blowing his nose on Pippin's tutu.  
  
Pippin was about to say something kind and soothing to Slider when he noticed the state of his tutu. He thought of killing Slider. He thought of being praised and treated like a hero in Rivendell. Then he thought of being caught in drag and having no-one to blame it on. That settled it. The ranger would get to live. For now.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Frodo had been prevented from crying for Merry's, Sam's and his own well being, Pippin the Preschooler was more than they could handle already, the last thing they needed was another hobbit with the mental age of 3. However, just because he wasn't crying didn't mean that he wasn't complaining.  
  
"Sam, I'm hungry."  
  
"You can have something to eat once we get to Rivendell. Now, what sort of bandaid do you want?"  
  
"What sorts are there?"  
  
"You can have a Harry Potter bandaid or a High-5 bandaid." Sam didn't mention that he'd found some very strange bandaids in his pack that had pictures that might be intended to be hobbits, more specifically the four hobbits in this story, on them.  
  
"Harry Potter please."  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Walking to Rivendell from the Shire on a sunny day with a bunch of elves, lots of food and a complete and utter lack of anything evil trying to kill you can be a little stressful. Try it in the rain with four hobbits, two of whom have the brain capacity at this precise moment of a prawn sandwich, not to mention a drag queen ranger who's gone off on a sulk, while having to watch out for lifesaver-obsessed black riders with pocketknives and it's damn impossible. Frodo still being on a relatively high hyper because the affects of the fizzy lifesavers hadn't worn off yet was not helping matters in the slightest. Pippin and Slider were keeping very quiet on pain of death, since Sam was looking like the next one to speak would be force-fed poison. Merry, in possession of the map (i.e. the vaguest of vague directions as to where Rivendell was, given to them by one of the black riders, which had then been scrawled on the lifesaver wrapper) was trying to work out exactly which rainforest-covered valley they were in.  
  
"Goddammit."  
  
"What?"  
  
"We've been here before."  
  
"Why am I not surprised?"  
  
"How do you know we've been here before? Most dripping wet forests look the same."  
  
"Because that extremely lifelike statue of an elf woman was there the last time we came here."  
  
"What extremely lifelike statue of an elf woman?"  
  
"That one over there." Merry pointed.  
  
"ARWEN!" Slider squealed happily, before running to the "statue" that was now moving, with a huge grin on his face not unlike the look seen on a five- year-old's face when they've discovered the hidden stash of Easter eggs a week early.  
  
"Oh god it's you. I thought Daddy sent you away to live in Bree. Anyway, you're not allowed back."  
  
Slider looked confused. "Why?"  
  
"Remember last Christmas when you and Elladan and Elrohir flooded the house? And dyed Gildor's hair purple? And rigged the plumbing system so that vanilla coke came out of the taps instead of water? That's why you're not allowed back."  
  
"Oh yeah." Slider had a silly grin on his face. "You should've seen the look on Gildor's face when he saw his hair."  
  
"You should have seen the look on Daddy's face when he saw what you'd done. He's been in counseling sessions for the past six months."  
  
Their conversation was interrupted by Pippin. "Are you an angel?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"An angel. They live on the moons somewhere I think, and they're the most beautiful creatures in the world."  
  
"Uh Pippin....I think you've got the wrong script."  
  
There was a brief pause as Pippin checked. "Sorry, I've got the script for the Phantom Menace here."  
  
Frodo suddenly interrupted with strange ramblings, staring at Arwen. "They're so beautiful....so round and perfect....."  
  
Arwen scowled. "Even though you're delusional and on fizzy lifesavers, I don't think you should talk about my lips that way."  
  
"No, you dummy, I'm talking about those other two beauties...." Frodo swayed slightly.  
  
"What?" Arwen screeched. "You dare to stare at my royal breasts?"  
  
"No, I'm talking about your knees!" Frodo giggled. "Remember, I'm only four feet tall!"  
  
"Right........"  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Some time later........  
  
"What are you doing?" Sam asked Arwen as she put Frodo on a horse and got up behind him.  
  
"I'm getting away from poofy-ranger and for your sanity I'm taking the perverted delusional freak away too."  
  
"Oh. That's nice of you."  
  
"Think of it as part of the tour of Rivendell. You're welcome to leave Slider behind, the best way to knock him out cold is to challenge him to rollerskate down the hill and there's a lot of rocks at the bottom."  
  
"Thanks. By the way, watch out for black rider dudes."  
  
"Okay. Must run, Galadriel promised she'd show me how to braid my hair properly and I've got a bet on with Elladan that I can drink him under the table in an hour." 


	7. The Sleepover of Elrond

Alright, I admit it's taken me an appalling amount of time to update, I've been busy writing How to teach a Dwarf to swim and other things, and a lot of people liked that so I decided to keep them happy. And that fanfic's got 68 reviews at present, as opposed to the 8 reviews this one's got. You don't need to be the next Einstein to work out which one's more popular.  
  
On the other hand, thankyou to the two new people who have reviewed this fanfic, here's a little note:  
  
Shieldmaiden: it's the funniest fic you've read yet? I'm honoured. I agree that the thing about Arwen's beautiful knees was a bit weird, but it fitted and I would like to point out that I didn't make up that joke, I got it out of a Mad magazine. I won't say any more.  
  
Mendora, Queen of Fire: Slider is a mascot? I had no idea! Wow, he's famous, hopefully for the right reasons. He sounds funny. Are you getting bad mental images or good mental images? If good, good, if bad then I take no responsibility for any damage sustained to animals or property, but your mind probably doesn't come under either of those categories. Send all the flames you want, it's cold in here. I need the heat.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Chapter 7: The Sleepover of Elrond  
  
Frodo woke up, and immediately wished he hadn't. He had a splitting headache, which could have come from several things: being stabbed by the black rider's pocketknife, being forcefully taken on an extended pony ride by Arwen, the aftermath of witnessing Slider's karaoke, or the lingering side-effects of the fizzy lifesavers. He winced with the thought. If he hadn't eaten so many lifesavers he might not have this headache......  
  
He could also hear some very strange music, what sounded like a mixture of Justin Timberlake....... and Atomic Kitten. Being sung along to by someone horribly off-key. He knew that voice. There was only one being warped enough to attempt to sing along to "Cry Me A River". A ranger. Slider.  
  
Frodo decided to go back to sleep.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
He woke up again several hours later. Thankfully, the Justin Timberlake music had been turned off and was now replaced by one of those CDs that have the sounds of bird calls and running water and ocean waves, etc.  
  
"Frodo! How you doing, man?" Gandalf appeared to have come out of thin air.  
  
"Eeeeeeeep!" shrieked Frodo. And promptly passed into a faint from surprise. Then, "Don't sneak up on me like that!" about half an hour later when Gandalf had managed to wake him up again.  
  
"Sorry."  
  
"That's okay."  
  
"Frodo!" Merry and Pippin appeared in the doorway. "So glad you're finally awake, the party's been absolutely smashing but it's just not the same without the Awesome Foursome!"  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Oh, don't you know? We're now officially the Awesome Foursome, we made it up a little while ago! Now come on, you've simply got to meet some people or otherwise everybody will think you're some sort of introvert, hiding in your room like that!"  
  
Frodo was about to protest that he'd been in a coma for god knows how long, but was cut off by another strange rant by his now-strange friends.  
  
"Ooooooooh look Merry, there's that Mirkwood chap Arwen said would show us how to colour-code our socks! Simply must go and talk to him, see you later Frodo darling, byeeeeeeeeeee!" They swept out of the room in a whirl of strange sparkly clothes and even stranger perfume. Frodo and Gandalf sat in shock for several minutes.  
  
"All right, what on earth was all that about?" Frodo could tell even before he said it that he didn't want to know.  
  
"Er.........I'll go and get Sam, he can explain it better."  
  
"What do you mean he can explain it better?"  
  
"Well.........it's been going on for quite a while and I only got here last week."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Sam appeared without further ado, and seeing the look on Frodo's face decided that a nice cup of tea was needed. The drink was dutifully made and drunk and Frodo was looking curious without the shock mixed with at-a- complete-loss-for-words-and-unable-to-defend-oneself-against-any-sort-of- strange-and-completely-ghastly-ideas-for-boredom-fighting-activities horror. (AN: if there was a word to describe all of that I'd use it, but since there isn't I'm sticking with my version. However, I am open to suggestions as to what this elusive word might actually be. Send me your ideas.)  
  
Anyways, after that strange collection of words and explanations, we can get back to the fanfic. The tea drinking had progressed on and Frodo was sipping a cup of Earl Grey (for emotional support) as Sam told him the events that had led up to The Change with Merry and Pippin.  
  
"I'm not quite sure exactly when it started, but it was sometime before last autumn when I think I went out berry-picking with Bill." (AN: Bill is the pony they took with them.)  
  
"Last autumn?" Frodo was in shock. "Exactly how long have I been in this coma for?"  
  
Sam frowned. "Well, I'm not quite sure of the exact time because we stopped counting after day 467. That was about three weeks ago."  
  
"So then I've been in a coma for.........." there was considerably lengthy pause as Frodo rummaged around in his backpack, found his calculator and did the sum, "488 days! I think that's a world record! Quick! Somebody call those Guinness Book people!"  
  
"We can do that later, do you want to hear the rest of the story or not?"  
  
"Oh. Yes. Of course." Frodo stopped what he was doing (which was frantically looking for the phone even though there wasn't one in his bedroom [this was only a 91/2 star Elvish hotel room, of course] and went back to his cup of Earl Grey.  
  
"Yes, I think that's when they started acting so..........."  
  
"Gay?" suggested Frodo.  
  
"No, that's not really the right word because they're not really, well, all over each other, if you know what I mean."  
  
"I know exactly what you mean and I'm wishing right now that I didn't, because I'm getting the most horrible mental images." Frodo began to hyperventilate.  
  
"Whoa, stay calm Frodo!" cried Sam. "Just breathe in," Frodo took a shaky breath, "And out, and in again, and out. And have some more tea."  
  
"Th-th-thanks Sam."  
  
"Well we can't having you dying in the middle of a party, can we?"  
  
"So yeah, back to the story."  
  
"Hmmm? Oh yes, I was trying to find a word to describe them..........not gay............camp! I think that's it. Yes, it was camp."  
  
"I'm not sure which one's worse. How do you reckon they got like this?"  
  
"It could have been anything, Elves, lifesavers, the black riders, tea, this bread stuff they've managed to get their hands on called lembas, a mind-boggling amount of alcohol, just about anything."  
  
Just then voices could be heard outside the bedroom. They appeared to belong to Merry, Pippin and somebody Frodo didn't know, although from the conversation he assumed it was an Elf.  
  
"Perry, if I've told you once I've told you a thousand times, you're just not a Summer!"  
  
"He's not Perry, I am!"  
  
"Then who on earth am I?"  
  
"You're Mippin!"  
  
"Oh yeah, of course!"  
  
"Yah, whatever. As I was saying, Perry-"  
  
"I'm Mippin!"  
  
"Then where on earth is Perry?"  
  
"Here!"  
  
"But I thought you where Mippin!"  
  
"For the last ruddy time, I'm Perry and he's Mippin!"  
  
"Alright. Alright. I'm terribly sorry that I get you two mixed up, but that's what you should expect if you're going to dress like twins. Now Perry, I've analysed your eye and hair colour, skin tone, etc, and it's perfectly obvious that you're a Spring through and through."  
  
"But I want to be a Summer!"  
  
"I'm sorry, it's just not going to happen. Get over it."  
  
"But.......but........"  
  
"Don't worry, there's plenty of options for socks in Spring colours."  
  
"Showme! Showmeshowmeshowme!"  
  
"Alright, look, I'm sure there's some around here somewhere.........." the voices drifted away.  
  
Frodo looked at Sam. "Did we just hear a conversation about matching socks to your skin tone?"  
  
"I hate to admit it, but I think that's correct."  
  
"This calls for some serious therapy. I think we need some more tea. A lot more tea."  
  
"Yes. That's a very good idea. I'll go put the kettle on again, you see if there's any Lime and Ginseng left."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Five English Breakfasts, two Lapsangs and half a cup of Chamomile and Spearmint later, Frodo and Sam decided that they were relaxed enough to brave the rest of Rivendell in full party mode. That, and they needed to find a bathroom.  
  
They wandered through many twisting corridors before they found what seemed to be the main party room, and seeing that there was no sign Merry and Pippin, decided to go down and get a drink. They'd only just got to the buffet table when Gandalf appeared seemingly out of nowhere, grabbed them both, and disappeared seemingly into nowhere. They found themselves in a dimly-lit passageway.  
  
"Cool! A secret passage!" Sam and Frodo were considerably excited because you don't come across many secret passages in the Shire, and even if you do they usually lead to somewhere completely normal and boring. Such as a field just when they need more people to plant the crops and do work.  
  
"Shhhhhhh! This is one of the not-so-secret ones. There's more secret and not-so-secret passages in this place than all the hot dinners you've ever had." (Which, considering how much hobbits eat, is quite a mind-boggling amount.)  
  
"Where are we going?"  
  
"Can't tell you right now. Secret."  
  
"Are there bathrooms where we're going?"  
  
"Yes, of course. Come on."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Gandalf led them through too many passages, corridors, halls, antechambers, vestibules, lobbies and foyers to count, a lot of them twisting and turning, so by the time he stopped Frodo and Sam were extremely dizzy.  
  
Gandalf stopped in front of a painting of a dragon sleeping on top of a heap of treasure and knocked. The door opened slightly and an Elf poked his head out. At least they thought it was a he. Elves were so strange it could have just been an ugly female Elf.  
  
"Password?" asked the Elf.  
  
Gandalf sighed. "Elrond, it's me."  
  
Pause.  
  
"Gandalf."  
  
"I don't know that unless you say the password. You three could be Slider, Merry and Pippin in disguise."  
  
"Ok, ok. Death to the camp ranger and hobbits."  
  
"I'll think about it."  
  
"I've said the sodding password, now let us in!"  
  
"Oh, alright." Elrond opened the door wider and let them in. Frodo and Sam found themselves in a room with a lot of strange people, but they didn't notice at first since they were busy making a dash for the bathroom.  
  
They came out again and noticed what was going on, everybody appeared to be sitting around in a circle in various stages of being drunk. What was strange was that there appeared to be Dwarves and Men there as well as a lot of Elves. Frodo was looking around and trying to decide where to sit when he noticed a hobbit sitting near Elrond. One that looked very familiar.  
  
"Bilbo!" said Frodo.  
  
"Frodo!" said Bilbo. "And Sam! Come and sit down and have a drink, you two look like you've seen a ghost."  
  
"No, we've seen something a lot worse."  
  
"Oh yes I heard about that. Stupid black rider dudes."  
  
"Er..........I was actually talking about Merry and Pippin and Slider."  
  
"Yes, that too."  
  
The next hour or so passed away quite happily, mainly because they had access to large amounts of pipeweed, alcohol and Adults Only Lembas (TM). Then everybody decided they were sufficiently drunk and hyper enough to find out exactly why they had all been brought there, through various secret passages.  
  
Elrond tapped the side of a wine bottle for attention, tried to stand up, gave up because the amount of alcohol he'd consumed was making him have problems with the concept of "vertical", and settled for looking suitably troubled. Or as troubled as you can look when you're drunk on alcohol AND Adults Only Lembas.  
  
"Strange peoples from, hehe, distant lands, you have been summoned here to help us deal with a most horrible problem." Elrond suddenly turned very serious. "As you all know, there is a terrible threat right here in Rivendell!"  
  
There was a very tense silence. Then everybody started making mostly wildly inaccurate guesses.  
  
"Black rider dudes?"  
  
"Dark Lords?"  
  
"Evil rings?"  
  
"Frilly shirts for men?"  
  
"Britney Spears?" (AN: yes, I am aware that I've bagged Britney Spears before, but I just can't help myself. You'll have to put up with it.)  
  
"No, no, no, although those are all reasonably serious threats, I'm not talking about those." Expectant pause. "I am talking........" dramatic pause, "About the drag queen ranger and his newly enlisted hobbit friends!" Boos and hisses, and general nastiness. "As you are all probably aware, Slider has been a nuisance since the day he was born, he's gone all over the place frightening people with karaoke and horrible dancing, and he must be stopped!"  
  
Everybody else made various supportive noises. Then the suggestions came pouring in.  
  
"Burn them!"  
  
"Decapitate them!"  
  
"Make them wash their hair!"  
  
"Make them listen to Celine Dion music for all eternity!"  
  
"That won't work, he likes Celine Dion!"  
  
"Who?"  
  
"Slider!"  
  
"Damn!"  
  
Then someone came up with the prizewinner, "Send them to Mordor and throw them into the volcano!"  
  
Silence.  
  
"Sorry, it just slipped out."  
  
"Hey no wait." Elrond was look thoughtful. "That could work."  
  
"Really? I was just joking."  
  
"Well, that was a very good joke."  
  
"Let's do it!" People began cheering. Gandalf suddenly tapped his wine bottle and voiced a few problems.  
  
"That sounds like a great plan, but how exactly are we going to get them there?"  
  
Elrond frowned. "We need somebody to persuade them to go to Mordor, and be trusted not to tell them anything. One of you must do this."  
  
The room went very quiet. Then Frodo, who had been out of it for a while, suddenly realised what was going on. He stood up and began to talk to them rather angrily. "Slider, Merry and Pippin might be annoying at times, but does it really have to come to this? We take them to Mordor? Are you suggesting we lead them to their deaths?"  
  
"Would you miss them?" somebody piped up.  
  
Frodo considered this for a few minutes. He had considered Merry and Pippin to be his friends, but that was strictly before they started acting all camp. And Slider. He didn't even want to begin thinking about Slider. Did he really want to have to put up with Merry and Pippin at least for the rest of his life? The short answer was-  
  
"No, not really."  
  
"Good. But that still doesn't solve the problem of who's going to actually get them there."  
  
"Oh I will, I don't mind." Now that Frodo had decided that he didn't care about them anymore he was quite happy to go along with this little scheme.  
  
"I'm coming with you Mr. Frodo!" cried Sam.  
  
"Why Sam?"  
  
"Because 1) I'm you're loyal servant and you're going to need me to cook for you, and 2) you made me promise to come with you if you ever decided to go off on a scary quest thing with absolutely no hope of coming back alive."  
  
"Did I?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Then I suppose you do have to come with me."  
  
"Yes."  
  
"I'm coming too!"  
  
"Really Gandalf?"  
  
"Of course. I need to get some exercise."  
  
"Ok, anybody else want to come?" Silence. "Anybody?" Frodo asked again more desperately.  
  
"Oh alright, we'll come." A man, a Dwarf and an Elf put up their hands. Frodo noticed something familiar about the Elf. "Hey, aren't you the one that was helping Merry and Pippin colour-code their socks?"  
  
"I was helping them. Not any more. They've gone totally against my advice and decided that they're both Autumns and I will have nothing more to do with them." The Elf looked like he was holding back either tears or screams (or both) so they hastily fed him liberal amounts of Adults Only Lembas and some nice herbal tea.  
  
"Cool. Let's go then everybody."  
  
"Hey wait, you guys need a name."  
  
"That's a good idea. What do you think we should be called?"  
  
"The Spam Drinkers!"  
  
"The Psychotic Bunny Rabbits!"  
  
"The Banana People from Outer Space!"  
  
"Riiiiiiiiiiiiiight." Frodo turned to the group. "Any of those appeal to you?"  
  
"God no," they all said together.  
  
"I've got it!" Elrond paused for dramatic effect. "You shall be known as The Fellowship of the Ring!"  
  
"But this quest isn't about rings, it's about killing drag queen rangers and camp hobbits."  
  
Elrond sighed. "Fine, you shall be known as The Fellowship of the........er........"  
  
Sam suddenly piped up. "The spoon!"  
  
Elrond snapped onto it. "Yes! From this day forth, you shall be known as The Fellowship of the Spoon!"  
  
And there was much rejoicing.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
I'm very aware that I may beat the world record for the number of flames received for one fanfic chapter by enraged fangirls for the characterisation of Merry and Pippin. Send all the flames you want, as I said before I'm cold and I need the heat. Don't sue because 1) you don't know where I live, 2) I have exactly $1.45 in the entire world, and 3) you can't get blood from a toaster.  
  
I said, burr, it's cold in here, I said there must be some.....er......things in the atmosphere! I said o-e-o-e-o, ice, ice, ice, o-e-o-e-o, ice, ice, ice.........  
  
Luv from yours truly, enelya.  
  
PS. I was aiming for a sort of Bridget Jone's mother, in the book or movie (or both), for the characterisation of Merry and Pippin. Aiming is the operative word here, so hopefully you're not confused anymore and wondering what the hell I'm talking about. 


	8. Just an AN but still important so please...

AN: sorry, this isn't another chapter, this is just a note to say that I've decided to do a Tolkien and write two books and publish them as one. So look out for the next adventures, I'm not quite sure what I'm gonna call it yet so just keep checking for it.  
  
It isn't the end, it's the beginning.........of another fanfic that's a follow-on from A Longexpected Parody. Hopefully my future reviewers (and current ones too) will like it. Until the time comes when I get around to writing it and posting it, keep watching the skies! The truth is out there!  
  
*X-Files music plays: da da da da.........*  
  
~Enelya 


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